the future

 I hear a little voice call from Alexander's room about 15 minutes after bedtime,

 "Mommy, I need a hug."

"Ok, sweetie.  I can give you a hug."

 

I hear the pitter-patter of pajamed feet across the wood floor and then he climbs into my arms.

 

"What's going on, bug?"
"I got scared."

"Scared of what?"

"The future."

 

Oh.

That.

 

I turn off the TV, carry my sweet six year old to his room, and crawl into bed with him.  With only the nightlight glowing, he begins to talk.

 

"I was thinking about Papa and then I started thinking about the future.  I started thinking what if I died.  What if you died.  And then I got really sad.  I can't get it out of my head."

 

Oh.

 

This is one of those parenting moments that has no rules.  I don't know what to say.  I don't know how to comfort him.  How do I help a six year old process his thoughts when I can barely process my own?   So, I went into teacher mode.  I asked questions.  I listened. 

 And I hope to God I'm saying the right things. 

 

Ultimately, we have no control over the future. 

The past is the past and it cannot be changed, no matter how different we want the outcome to be.

 

Eventutally, the conversation with my son turned to stories, and the room filled with his laughter.   The moment of fear had passed.

 

I kissed his forehead, hugged him one more time, walked out of his room and closed the door behind me.

 

Life is best lived when you live in the moment.