If I could change one thing...

Day 5: Six things I wish I could change or wish I would have never done.

This entry is a fascinating one for me.  I try, really try, to live my life without regrets.  I'm not very impulsive so thinking before acting is pretty common for me. 

Yet, the challenge is to come up with six things...so, here we go.

 
1.  I never should have gone to Alaska during the summer of '91 to work.  Granted, it allowed me to spend time with family in Anchorage.  However, I also gained 70lbs in three months.  Yes.  You read that correctly.  I ate my way through the adventure.  And I came home fat.  I hated it.  I never should have gone. 
 
2.  I wish I could have been at Grandma Roma's memorial service.  But I was in Alaska.  Getting fat.  Everytime I eat zucchini bread (in moderation), I think of Roma and how I didn't say goodbye. 
 
3.  I never should have dated my best friend from high school.  And that's all I have to say about THAT.
 
4.  I wish I had been more honest with my best friend from college, when we were living together (post college).  Instead of being honest, I cut all ties soon after her first child was born.  She and I have since cleaned the air and rekindled the friendship.  But I lost ten years of her life.  I often wonder what and how life would be if we hadn't lost that time together.
 
5.  I wish I had gone to the endrocronologist sooner to determine the cause of the infertility. Maybe if I hadn't been so stubborn about going to a doctor, we would have two little boys in the house.  Or maybe not.  At least I have one sweet face that makes me grin.  And he's more than enough for my heart.
 
6.  I wish we didn't have to put Schmoo to sleep tomorrow.  He's our first baby.  Schmoo was the one who cuddled with me and listened to me sob when infertility was at its darkest.  He is so sweet and gentle, and I love when he curls up on my lap when I'm reading.  We found him as a stray at the pound in 2000 as a Valentine's/Anniversary gift for me.  We first suspected he was sick at the beginning of this summer.  We changed his food and he seemed to improve.  Early last week, we realized he was scrambling to jump up and decided it was time to see a vet.  On Friday, the blood tests showed cancer and the doctor thinks it is in his colon.  Schmoo has wasted down to less than 5lbs, despite eating all the time, and isn't able to absorb the nutrients.  The doctor said we could bring him home for the weekend and we've been spoiling him with all the food he wants, even if it means I clean up cat puke for days. 

Tomorrow, my baby is going to sleep.  And I'll miss him terribly. 

 Schmoo would always cuddle up close to my preggo belly and purr into it. 

Until the day Alexander kicked him. 

Maybe that's the reason he gives Alexander a three foot width whenever they are in the same room,

We saw those eyes and fell in love.

Goodbye Schmoo-kitty.  We'll miss you.