The day my life changed forever

On Monday, October 1, 2012, my dad died.

It was a long road from his kidney transplant to today.  We thought the new kidney was the answer to a new chapter.  In a way, it was.  Just not quite the chapter any of us wanted.

There are so many emotions

I am thankful there were no words left unsaid between my dad and I.

I am thankful I had time to say goodbye and cry tears with him.

I am thankful my brother was home and there when my dad took his last breath.

I am thankful for the love I felt when there were the five of us in one room.
I am thankful I learned from my parents amazing forty-three year love affair.

I am thankful I was with my grandmother when my dad died.

I can tell you I found beauty as my dad was dying. If you were there, you saw a brave, strong man fight every moment to stay with his loved ones. You also saw that same brave, strong man accept that it was time to go home and he found peace in his passing.

That is beauty.

You saw a man who was visited by doctors, nurses, technicians, and hospital transporters because their lives were better for knowing my dad.  You saw a man loved on by family and friends who told story after story about the man who loved as big as he lived. 

You saw a man who left no words left unsaid with anyone.

There were no words left unsaid.

My dad lived life to the fullest. And he made sure that all of us knew how he felt about us when the time came to say goodbye.

And now...I stuggle to accept that my dad is gone.

I am sad I had to celebrate my birthday three days after my dad died. 

I am sad that I have to wish that my five year old remembers his Ho-Ho Papa, instead of hug him every day.

I am sad that I fight to get out of bed in the morning.

I am sad that the first person I think to call is my dad. And he won't answer the phone.

I am sad that I cry myself to sleep because I miss his voice.

I am sad I belong to the "I lost a parent" club.

Last night I realized, for the first time, my dad is not coming back.  The one person who could make me feel better when I am sad won't wrap me in his big strong arms and tell me it will be ok.  He won't greet me with that big grin and tell me "go easy, Chelle".  He won't be there to fill a room with his larger-than-life love and smile.

That realization hurts.  It hurts a lot.

The tears come when I least expect them.  Sometimes, I can tap them down.  Other times, I can't and they flow freely.  I don't know that this will ever change for me.

On October 1, my dad died.

But, for 66 years, on October 1, my dad also lived.

And he lived really, really big.

I miss you, Daddy.

So much.

Thanks for being my daddy and loving me unconditionally.