Wednesday, October 10, 2012


It's Homecoming week at the high school.

So, I sit here.
Sipping on a Blue Moon Harvest Pumpkin Ale. 
Tallying Royalty votes (a boy named Fred won, by the way).

Last night, I was a mess.  Crying like a fool.  Feeling weak.  I don't do weak very well, by the way.  Last night, it all kicked me in the ass.  Again.  And I was useless to anyone. 

Today, I woke up and went to work.  
 I supervised an assembly rehearsal.  I wrote a bunch of emails.  I even supervised two evening events.  Truthfully, my heart wasn't into it.  I suppose, as long as the kids don't know, it is ok that I don't care. 

When will my heart care again?
When will I stop cyring all the time? 
When will I stop having moments that I can't control, when I fall to my knees because the pain I feel when I think about my dad's death is unbearable?
When will I stop feeling weak?
Right now, I can't imagine anything but this pain. 

I suppose it has to get better.

Cause right feels awful.


  1. I wish I could come down and wrap my arms around you and tell you that one day it won't hurt so bad. It will always hurt, but just start to hurt in a different way. A way you can handle. A way that makes you smile instead of weep. It's so ok to feel broken. you are broken right now. Dad took a piece of your heart with him and that isn't something that you just get over. You do things everyday. You get up with Alexander. You have a glass of wine with Eric. You cry on mom's couch. You laugh and cry with Kimmy. You remember all the ways that your dad loved you. and one day? it will ache but it won't hurt so badly. But in the meantime? just day by day. hour by hour. minute by minute. knowing that you are loved by so many more. Let some of us be your rock til you are ready to stand on your own.
    love you lots


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