Sunday, February 27, 2011

Not sure what to say.

I've journaled since I was 12 so writing in a blog is natural to me.  It is therapy.  It is conversation.  It has never been difficult to to select a topic; they just seem to pop into my mind.  Until now.

For the first time, I don't know how to put my thoughts into words.  Maybe I just need to ramble for a bit.  

On Wednesday, my dad had a heart attack.  Mom called while they were on the way to the hospital.   Of course, I started crying.  No surprise there.  There was absolutely nothing I could do, though. I was in Disneyland.  And I had to board the Monorail to head into Disneyland so I would not disappoint my four year old son.  I didn't know what else I could do but keep going.   For the next several hours, my family sent endless text messages and phone calls, keeping me updated with his progress.  Fortunately, Dad made it through surgery and is expected to have a full recovery.  My sister and brother were superstar siblings who took care of business at home while I struggled with being in Disneyland.  Physically, I was on vacation.  Mentally, I was at home.  It wasn't really fair to Eric, my in-laws or to Alexander but I did the best I could. Thank you Eric, Alexander, Ron and Besty for being patient with me the past few days!

So, this is where my thoughts come to an end. I need time to process my guilt about staying on vacation, my fear of losing a parent, and a little bit about life in general.

And part of that healing begins with the Oscars.
 Shameless entertainment.


  1. Oh man, such a bummer. So sorry that you had to deal with that this past week. Hoping for a full recovery for your dad & for you... sometimes guilt is so overwhelming. I was in Vancouver for job training the night that my Hubs called to tell me my step dad was going to the ER. I still deal w/the guilt of not going home RIGHT then. My step dad didn't ever make it out of the hospital. I don't tell you that to scare you just trying to relate. :( however, while a trip to Disney is never more important than a life, I'm sure your dad would have wanted Alexander to enjoy his vacation instead of missing it.

    At least you probably missed the snow? Have a better week, Chelle!

  2. SOOOOOO glad your Dad is okay. I was scared reading on in your e-mail. You were put in a very difficult situation and no matter what choice you would be second guessing it...just like you are now. But you are a WONDERFUL Daughter and Mother and you had to chose between the two. You just weren't left with any other option. I know it is easier said than done, but don't be too hard on yourself honey. Just thank God that your Dad is safe and go from there. (((HUGS!)))

  3. You did exactly what your Dad and I wanted you to do. We know it was super hard for you but you made the RIGHT decision in our hearts and mind. Love, Mom

  4. No matter what anyone tells you the hurt and the guilt will be there. What you do with them is up to you. Put your own heart and mind in the here and now. Your dad and mom love you more that you could ever fathom. They love you enought to tell that they are ok. That you don't have to be there every minute. But the most important thing? your dad is still here to love and hug and cry on his shoulder. No matter where you were then, you are here now. Love you lots!

  5. After watching my dad go through a stroke I feel ya sister! Since prayers were answered and he is on the mend just make sure you use this opportunity to tell those you love ever day from now til forever how you feel!

    Have I told you I love you?



What say ye?