Saturday, January 14, 2012

i'm all over the place

It is a rare time in my life when my emotions are running rampant and I can't reign them in.

I typically have my shit together.
No, really.  I do.

Today?  Not so much.

It started this morning.  In talking with Alexander about tomorrow's birthday party, it hit me that my sweet baby

is turning 5.
As naked as the day he was born.

What really hit hard is that no one from his preschool has RSVP'd.  Naturally, I assume the worst.  They aren't coming.  Despite knowing he will be surrounded by friends who have RSVP'd, knowing the ones he cares about the most will be in attendance, knowing he won't even notice who is in attendance, I keep wondering if that will be enough.  All my childhood angst of wanting to be liked, having grown up in a neighborhood full of kids, comes to the forefront.  What if my kid doesn't have friends?  What if he isn't well-liked?  What if he is that kid sitting in the hall, by himself? 
 Oh, my heart breaks at the very thought. 

On top of all that, we have weather reports of impending snow storms that threaten to force a cancellation of the party.  Which means Jodie isn't here for Alexander's party.  Before I get into the emotions of not having Jodie here for Alexander's birthday party, let me remind you I spent the day with Jodie, as she tried on wedding dresses.  It is highly possible I was already an emotional wreck before I had to go into final party planning without her.

Here's what I discovered when watching someone you love try on wedding dresses.  It takes you back to when you bought your dress and all the angst and excitement of that time. 
I loved my dress but it was the first one I tried on. I didn't trust anyone to give me input so I picked it out completely by myself.  Knowing where I was in that time in my life, a 25 year old with not-so-great self esteem, I'm not surprised that I had a huge veil to cover me up.  I mean, look at that thing!  I do think if I had the same confidence I feel now, I would have worn a completely different dress. Knowing that almost makes me regret the dress.  But I was a princess.  Remembering the feeling of being a princess makes the regret disappear.

Jodie found her perfect dress and the day could not have been any better. I would show you a picture but I think we'll leave that little tidbit for a surprise.  I dd try on three bridesmaid dresses today and we would have taken pictures of those lovely things but the place was anti-cameras.  Whatever.

So many emotions. Jodie not being here, on the night before Alexander's party doesn't feel right.  To not have her here making cupcakes with us, while we drink Capt  is the strangest feeling.  It's just weird.  She has ALWAYS been here the night before his birthday party.  Always. 

I knew this time would come.  I mean, she does have a life of her own.
Doesn't mean I have to like it.
I mean, who else wears kid party decor

Or frosts a better giant cupcake than that girl?

No guilt, Jo-Jo.
We're just never going to like it.

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