Thank you to all who sent text messages, called to say you were thinking of me, emailed or commented on the last blog post. Your love surrounds me and lifts me up.
A complete stranger sent this to me after reading my blog.
I realize I need to share my authentic self with others if I am going to move forward with my grief. Writing has always been my outlet. How I thought I could resist writing about my emotions on my blog is beyond me.
So, my authentic self says thank you and I am doing better today. Alexander and I are officially on vacation from school. Without the distraction of work, the "tear triggers" (Alexander and Eric use this term to refer to the unexpected sad Mommy moments) occur more often. On Wednesday, I cried when Alexander passed his swim test. I wanted to call Dad so Alexander could hear Dad's voice, full of pride. Instead, I cried as we drove through neighborhoods to look at houses lit up for the holiday season. On Thursday, I cried when Alexander sat on Santa's lap because I glimpsed my dad's mischievous side as Alexander tried convincing Santa to tell him what Santa was bringing this year. The worst trigger on Thursday was buying shoes for Alexander. I could barely keep it together in the store because the one of the last things Dad discussed with me in September was making sure Alexander would ALWAYS have a good pair of shoes. Alexander saw me crying, looked at Eric and said, "Mama is crying over shoes, Daddy. Shoes are a tear trigger?" It appears so. Who knew? By now, the boys know to let the tears flow and surround me with their love.
Yet, when I feel strong and I open my heart, I can hear Dad talking to me. I believe that is why I wrote yesterday's blog. These moments hurt because the pain is still so raw but they also bring smiles amid the tears. I definitely can't talk to him yet because that pain runs unbelievably deep. Rest assure, each time it happens, I, in my awesome first born way, argue that I know what I'm doing, roll my eyes, and then pause to listen.
I'm listening, Dad.