missing out

I try not to dwell too much on the guilt I feel from being a working mommy.

Most days I'm pretty successful at supressing the guilt.

But then are days when the guilt overwhelms me.
  Like today, for example.

Alexander had his first day of Pre-K!

And I missed it.

Logically, I know he was just fine without me.  All I would have done is ride shotgun in our carpool drive and held his hand as he walked to the front door. 

Emotionally, I'm so not fine with missing the day. 

I wasn't home to take pictures (which is why there are none for this post).  I wasn't home to watch the excitement build or help him pick out his first day of school clothes.  I wasn't home to listen to his first day of school chatter on the way to school.  And I wasn't home to listen to stories upon his return home from school.

Instead, I came home (late) to a sleeping toddler who, upon waking from his late nap, didn't want to tell me anything.  As in, "I want to have secrets, Mommy, and what I do at school is a secret".

Ouch.

Fortunately, this working mom spends her days prying secrets out of unruly teens so his four year old tricks are no match for a seasoned vet like me.  Fast forward a few hours and you'll find us sitting on the couch. He's wrapped in blankets and in between episodes of Dirty Jobs, I ask question after question about his day.  I'm not ready for pre-k secrets.  Alexander is tolerating me well enough but in his little 4 year old way, he's done with me.  And my questions.  But I'm winning.

Sometimes, I simply want to go back to the days before mommy guilt.

Can you blame me?