Vaccination Freak out

I hate vaccinations.  Wait a minute before you start thinking I'm somone who doesn't believe in vaccinations.  That assumption couldn't be further from the truth.  I work in a cesspool school.  I know vaccinations are important and necessary to protect my son.  I'm not opposed to protecting my child against childhood diseases.  I just don't like having them done.  I may have freaked out about autism every time we had them done.  The idea of injecting a virus into my perfectly healthy child doesn't seem natural to me.  However, underneath all my issues about vaccinations, I knew they were the right thing to do and trusted my pediatricians advice.

BUT

This H1N1 vaccination is a whole different ball game.  I spent most of the fall, trying to schedule an appointment for Alexander.  I finally schedule one for November 24 and don't think about it again.  The day arrives, we have to leave at 1:15 and..I FREAK OUT.  I know I should have had my thoughts clear about this weeks before our appointment.  I guess I thought I did.  I need to protect my child and this vaccination is supposed to do just that.

But when the moment came to leave the house, I freak out.   No joke.  Exorcist-head spinning-FREAKED OUT.  I'm crying.  I'm babbling insecurities about not being a good enough mom to my son.  I'm frantically searching the internet for any type of information that will put my mind at ease.  I am yelling at Eric to make the decision for me. I start text messaging friends who have three year olds for advice.  I even text message a high school friend who is a OB/GYN in California to ask his advice (Michael is a saint for patiently dealing with my neurosis issues over the past 20 years!).  Keep in mind, this is all being done so I can sabotage the appt by leaving late and have the decision made for me.  Turns out the doctor office has a 15 minute grace period.  Who knew?

My logical husband isn't much help because he thinks Alexander will be fine either way because he is a very healthy little boy.  But he lovingly supports whatever decision I make - which is the problem!  I can't make a freaking decision!   I have a nasty habit of thinking "what ifs" and freak myself out even more.  I feel I have no control over this issue and that freaks me out even more.  There is no guarantee.  Of course, there are no guarantees in life.  But a parenting manual sure would be nice.

In the end, Alexander had the shot.  BUT he is not getting the booster shot in 30 days. 

Of that, I am sure.

Damn H1N1.  I think I hate you.