Monday, November 15, 2010

I could have used a better day today

I was hit with wave after wave of "new teacher" emotions today.  Every time I turned, there was a new experience waiting for me.  And I had NO CLUE what to do.  Numerous times, I am pretty sure my pretty little face was right next to "incompetent" in the dictionary.  Thankfully, my team is patient with me.  They know I have zero experience so they are taking the lead and I'm learning so much by observing them.  But it doesn't stop the wave of emotions from crashing over me with endless thoughts of "you are letting everyone down and they are doing the work for you".  Mind you, they have told me numerous times that they do not feel this way.  I think they do.

Truth be told, I'm scared for the day I have to go it alone.  What if I screw it up?  What am I going to do if a parent scream at me?  What if I can't handle this job? 

On top of the "I'm an impostor and incapable of doing this job" thoughts, I had the emotions of the day to contend with, too.

Dealing emotionally with difficult situations is not a first to a teacher who has seen most everything in 15 years.  As a new teacher, I didn't know how to leave work at work.  But I quickly learned if I didn't leave the issues at work, they would eat me up.  The more I faced similar circumstances, I learned how to put situations in the classroom in their place and I stopped internalizing the issues.

Imagine my surprise to discover that I have zero experience at compartmentalizing administrative issues.  I know I'll get there.  I know I'll figure it out.  But it was a pretty big aha moment to discover it was time for me to re-learn a skill I hadn't faced in 15 years.  And I couldn't help but ask myself if I really want to re-learn the skills.  It would be pretty darn easy to go back to PE, ya know.  Easy life.  Easy issues.  Easy comfort zone.  Easy way out.

As if all this wasn't enough, it really didn't help that I was forced to watch the same video clip a dozen times today and each time, my giant ass was on the screen at the very end.  Come on.  How much can one girl really take in a day?

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