My husband and I aren't overly religious folks but we have our beliefs. We don't attend church because organized religion doesn't do it for us. We don't know if our son will find faith on his own, ask us for guidance or leave it all alone but we'll help him find his way to God when Alexander is ready, on his terms. I do believe life is pre-destined. When I let it be and let God lead the way, most things fall in place. I think that pre-destined thought comes from my brief time with a Lutheran (?) church when I took communion classes with my best friend in elementary school. Or my days in Young Life. Anyhow. I don't always let things fall in place and I try to control everything around me. Guess that makes me human because when I lose faith and take control, that's when the struggles begin. Huh. Who knew?
With all that being said, God and I have been having some lengthy chats this year.
On most days, we discuss Dad's health. I ask Him to help the doctors guide my dad through the medical obstacles and ask Him to help guide me in my role as the eldest daughter. And I selfishly ask that Dad be around until Alexander marries. Not sure how He feels about that request but He knows my thoughts on it so we'll see if they align. Dad is doing better each day so I do believe God is hearing me and we're on the same page. For now.
Recently, we've been discussing my job. I've got it in my head that I hate work. I've got in my head that because I wasn't chosen for ASB, I am not validated as a staff member or as a teacher. God and I have talked at length why I wasn't given that job. I've asked for answers and have heard silence. I know the silence is normal and that I'll be shown the answers when the timing is right. You can't walk the path of infertility and NOT believe that answers will shown in time (one look at my sweet son and my faith is strong). So, I've been waiting. I waited three years for Alexander. Three months of waiting seems easy enough, in comparison!
Last night, God and me were chatting it up and it hit me. The answers about my job are around me. I am an adviser of a club (in which upperclassmen mentor freshmen all year) and yesterday afternoon, we hosted a cookies and cram event to assist with finals week. 142 freshmen showed up. I was walking through the library, with upperclassmen, freshmen and staff members working together. It was amazing and sight to behold. 200 people working together to help one another. I was praising Him for the opportunity to lead the club and I laughed as I realized He knew what He was doing all along. I was the one who was resisting and not showing enough faith for Him to bring true happiness into my life. I just had to open my eyes to what is around me. I can be the leader He calls me to be through my actions in the classroom. I can still work with student leaders through advisor work. I don't need to be in charge of ASB to shine as a leader. If I was a good religious scholar, I think I would say this is a pride issue but ignorance is bliss.
As a PE teacher, I have the opportunity to lead and be a positive influence with 270 students (talk about a huge classload, eh?). I have the opportunity to go home and be a strong wife and mom every day. I have the opportunity to spend time with my family and friends and not be overly tired or preoccupied with work. If I was teaching ASB, I'd have 45 students in a class, be gone many afternoons and evenings, work with negative building leaders, and see very little of friends and family. The path HAS been laid out by God and all I had to do was walk it. He gave me the chance to work with student leaders with ASB the past two years and I loved it. If the ASB job was offered again, I may not take it. I wouldn't have said that two months ago. Or even two days ago. I'm realizing how much I enjoy being wife and mom now. I'm realizing how much I enjoy being in the classroom, working with kids. I suspect that's what God has wanted for me all along. Huh. Who knew?
Turns out someone did. I just needed to listen.